Tag Archives: humour

October 10, 2014 · 7:15 am

The Bells! The Bells!

"... it tolls for thee."

“… it tolls for thee.”

Happy Solar Return to me. When this time of year comes around, I have mixed feelings about calculating my Solar Return chart, because it will supposedly show whether the forthcoming year ahead will be a good or a bad one. Thus with trepidation I crunch the numbers into my astrology program…

HOLY SHIT! FUCK! NOOO!

Ahem. Sorry for that outburst. It’s just that I notice that at the precise moment of the return, the Sun is conjunct Venus, of which it is said:

You will have opportunities for romantic relationships. One person (or several!) may court you intensely. You will receive innumerable invitations, and the choice of accepting will be yours.

Moreover: the Moon, which represents where my heart will lie, is in its exaltation in Taurus, a notoriously marriage-prone sign, in the Seventh House – the house of Marriage.

This is a complete disaster! For years now I have been relying on my obnoxious personality to fend off the thousands of women who solicit my time and attention. Can it be that the stars have other ideas in mind? CRUEL FATE! WHY DO YOU MOCK ME???

2 Comments

Filed under Supernatural

Tagged as , ,

October 1, 2014 · 7:56 pm

Is Adrianne Curry being controlled by the Illuminati?… – IlluminatiWatcher

I am currently in the middle of a fairly major magical project which is keeping me busy right now: this explains why I have not been posting so frequently to this blog. I felt, however, in the interests of humanity, that I had to share the following:

Is Adrianne Curry being controlled by the Illuminati?… – IlluminatiWatcher.

Yes, model Adrianne Curry has decided to join Katy Perry amongst the ranks of the world’s most famous secret organisation. The page linked to above cites many convincing reasons why this notorious cosplayer is a member of the Illuminati… except for the most convincing one. Now, however, I, Alex Sumner, world’s greatest expert on the occult and member of several reasonably secret magical, mystical and fraternal organisations (according to my bio in the new Hermetic Tablet) can supply the icing on the cake, as it it were.

Aleister Crowley and Adrianne Curry

“AC”

AC, get it? Adrianne Curry has the same initials as Aleister Crowley, the notoriously self-described “Great Beast 666.” What’s more, Crowley changed his first name to Aleister because of an Illuminati-secret for achieving greatness, to wit:

I had read in some book or other that the most favourable name for becoming famous was one consisting of a dactyl followed by a spondee, as at the end of a hexameter: like Jeremy Taylor. Aleister Crowley fulfilled these conditions and Aleister is the Gaelic form of Alexander. To adopt it would satisfy my romantic ideals.

Now check this out:

A-LEIS-TER CROW-LEY Dactyl, followed by a spondee
A-DRI-ANNE CUR-RY Dactyl, followed by a spondee

Coincidence? I think not! Proof if any were needed that Curry is not only a member of the Illuminati but she is deliberately using the symbolism of the occultist once dubbed The Wickedest Man In The World. QED. Fnord.

Leave a comment

Filed under Comment, Hermetic Tablet

Tagged as , , , ,

August 9, 2014 · 3:00 pm

Who is the Secret Chief of the Golden Dawn?

This is a response to a blog post by Aaron Leitch about the Archangel Raphael being Frater Lux E Tenebris. IMHO the identification of Frater LET with this Archangel is far too simplistic, as it conceals much more than it reveals. The “Archangel Raphael” is itself a pseudonym: however I, Alex Sumner, the World’s greatest expert on the Occult, can now reveal even this august person’s real-name.

“Raphael” itself is a Hebrew word meaning “Healer of God.” Now to the ancient Hebrews, God lived in Heaven, and Heaven was thought to be synonymous with the Sky. Thus “Raphael” might be more accurately translated as “Heavenly Healer,” “Celestial Healer,” or even “Doctor From Outer Space.”

Peter Capaldi as Doctor Who

Secret Chief of the Golden Dawn

Yes, folks, the “Archangel Raphael” aka “Frater LET” is none other than The Doctor. As further evidence I cite the following:

Frater LET appeared to Mathers. A secret chief named Frater LET appeared to David Griffin. Clearly it is the same person, who was able to manage this feat by travelling through time!

Secondly: the Doctor is well-known to be cagey about revealing his true name. This is why he attempted to get the Book of Tobit (the only scriptural reference to “Raphael”) downgraded from the Old Testament to the Apocrypha, in the hope that people wouldn’t pay much attention to him suddenly materialising in the life of young Tobias.

So there you have it! Not only have I revealed the true identity of the Secret Chief of the Golden Dawn, I’ve also spoilt Doctor Who for millions of fans! 😉

11 Comments

Filed under Comment

Tagged as , , , , , , , , ,

June 29, 2014 · 11:02 am

Meet My New Director of Communications!

Marie Onette, new Director of Communications for Alex Sumner

Marie Onette, new Director of Communications for Alex Sumner

Exciting developments over here at Castle Sumner! Please give a warm welcome to my Director of Communications, Miss Marie Onette!

Marie, hard at work

Marie, hard at work

Due to the large amount of fan-mail I get everyday, I’ve been having trouble keeping on top of it – but no more! Thanks to a large bung from an offshore slush-fund somewhere in the Mediterranean, I can now afford to hire a publicist. So Marie will assist me by occasionally contributing material to this blog and answering questions on my relations to the Secret Chiefs of the Golden Dawn, what I think about people who purport to practice Satanism, and the relevancy of the Cthulhu Mythos to contemporary feminist thought.

Stay tuned for more exciting updates!

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Tagged as

April 15, 2014 · 3:33 pm

Alex does … rom-com?

OK I was just trying to explain to someone on Twitter today why my recent work, A Fairy Story By Any Other Name, is in fact light and fluffy enough to appeal to a Rom Com reader.

This got me thinking, what if I, Alex Sumner, actually tried to write Rom Com for real?

I have been giving this some thought, and already I’ve come up with some putative titles:

  • When Harry Exorcised Sally;
  • Pretty Witch;
  • My Best Friend’s Initiation;
  • Bridget Jones’ Book of Shadows;
  • How To Lose All The Members of your Order in Ten Days;
  • Romancing The Philosophers’ Stone;
  • What Wizards Want;
  • The Sabbat Crashers;
  • The Eternal Sunshine of the Nirvikalpa Samadhi Mind; and my most hopeful idea,
  • Three Weddings, Two Demonic Evocations, One Banishing and A Funeral.

🙂

Leave a comment

Filed under A Fairy Story By Any Other Name, Books

Tagged as ,

April 1, 2014 · 12:00 am

SpirituAll 2014

The Tattershall Castle

The Tattershall Castle, the venue for SpirtuAll 2014

No matter what tradition you practice, you will not want to miss the 2014 SpirituAll Spring gathering of traditions – the world’s first day long gathering of potential customers *Ahem* “practitioners” from the length and breadth of the British Isles.

In about the year 1990, novelist and world’s greatest expert on the occult ALEX SUMNER began going out to the pub … legally. In 2014 he has decided to invite fellow occultists to come out drinking with him on Saturday 5th April, at the Tattershall Castle, on the banks of the River Thames, from 12pm onwards (nearest tube: Embankment). Spiritual seekers come from all across the world, although realistically they will only do so if they happen to be in London, England that weekend.

YOU too are invited – no matter what sort of Spirituality you practice. Hey, if you’re willing to buy one of Alex’ books, he’s not proud!!!

Adjacent to the Tattershall Castle are London’s West End and all of the capital’s famous landmarks, so theoretically you don’t have to stay all day drinking at the venue, but could make a day out of it.

The venue is a fully fledged pub and restaurant. Instead of a sky-clad hot-tub, it’s right on the River Thames itself! You can go skinny-dipping if you want, I’m sure the river police will only be too happy to turn a blind-eye.

Here is the present gathering schedule:

  • Alex gets a round in – just before people actually start arriving for the event!
  • Lunch
  • Alex tries to sell people his books.
  • Depending on how much money he has got from the previous item, Alex might get a round in properly this time.
  • Gossiping about everything that is wrong with the current occult scene, freemasonry, fluffy-bunny neo-pagans, Nick Farrell, etc.
  • Alex does Tarot readings.
  • Depending on how much money he makes from the Tarot readings, Alex may get another round in.
  • Alex will demonstrate a fearsome Enochian ritual for opening a Hell-mouth in the middle of the bar.
  • Alex will be escorted from the venue by the security staff and handed over to the Police.
  • Alex will cunningly slip the Police the old funny hand-shake.
  • Alex will be escorted back into the venue by the rozzers, just in time to get yet another round in.
  • etc etc etc

See you there!!! 🙂

9 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Tagged as , ,

Video

Ghetto Fabulous Golden Dawn!

Got this from one of the GD Yahoo Groups – check out Ciara’s boots:

BUT… the real question is: since when did Cathy over at Azoth Art start making ghetto fabulous footwear as well? 😉

Leave a comment

January 21, 2014 · 10:00 am
September 27, 2013 · 8:37 am

QOTD: “Hekas! Hekas! Este bebeloi!”

Yahdonhai (Hebrew letters); Taphthartharath (Sigil)

The Chief Magus rises, holding the Ibis wand by its black end, and proclaims: ” “HEKAS, HEKAS ESTE BEBELOI!” 3

3 WEH NOTE: This is the cry of the Dionysian mysteries. It was shouted to warn the uninitiated that the new candidates were about to run amuck. Rough translation: “Look out! Look out! Here come the Drunks!”

Source: THE RITUAL FOR THE EVOCATION UNTO VISIBLE APPEARANCE OF THE GREAT SPIRIT TAPHTHARTHARATH from The Equinox. (NB: “WEH” = Bill Heidrick).

Leave a comment

Filed under Supernatural

Tagged as , , , ,

July 3, 2013 · 9:39 am

Ask A Wizard: “Political Asylum”


Novelist and writer on the occult Alex Sumner gives advice to a certain “ES” holed up in Moscow Airport on how to claim political asylum. In doing so he invokes the goddess Eris to provide a “Discordian” solution. 🙂

Leave a comment

Filed under Comment

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , ,

October 12, 2012 · 7:14 pm

Alex Sumner: Nobel Laureate

Back in 2009, I called into question Barack Obama’s winning of the Nobel Prize, on the grounds that he had only been in office for two weeks before nominations closed. The point being that according to Alfred Nobel’s will, the prize was meant to be awarded for work in the past year. I also pointed out that if the Nobel Committee were wiling to award so much money to someone who hadn’t actually done anything, then I was prepared to do nothing for world peace, whilst charging a considerably smaller rate for my services.

Now, at long last, the Nobel Committee have taken me up on my offer and awarded me the Noble Peace Prize! I shit ye not: they say they have awarded it to the EU, but the EU say they are accepting it on behalf of their 500 million citizens: which includes me!

May I just say that so long as the Nobel Committee pay for my air-fare, board and lodging, I will be happy to fly to Oslo to accept the Prize on the EU’s behalf. 🙂

Leave a comment

Filed under Comment, Rant

Tagged as ,