Tag Archives: humour

Manchester United Appoint Sorcerer as their New Manager

Alex Sumner, novelist and writer on the Occult and now Football manager as well!

MANCHESTER – Officials at Old Trafford today have named José Mourinho’s replacement as Alex Sumner, following the former’s sudden sacking today.

Alex Sumner is a novelist and writer on the Occult. He published his first novel, The Magus in 2009. His latest novel, Eternal Witch, was published earlier this year.

When asked on his qualifications, Alex said:

“Well, someone said they were desperate to bring a load of red devils under control, so I immediately said, ‘Aha! I’m your man!’

“I don’t intend to use traditional coaching techniques to win matches. Instead, I’ll be evoking my old friend Andromalius to reclaim all the success that has been stolen from United; Orobas to win honours for the team; and Paimon to bind the referees from making unfavourable decisions.

“I admit I haven’t got a clue about football management at Premiership level, or indeed at any level. But on the plus side that at least gives me more chance than the last two cretins they had in the job.”

Look there’s a demon right there! If that’s not a Goetic symbol, nothing is! 😉

Leave a comment

Filed under Books, Eternal Witch, The Magus

Soccer Thugs Mistakenly Attack Black Magician

HOLBORN, LONDON: Football Hooliganism took a supernatural turn last night, when thugs attacked a man they believed was Croatian – only to find out that he was a notorious black magician and sorcerer instead.

Alex Sumner, 45, who is also a novelist and writer on the occult, and has a new book out at the moment, said in a statement:

“I was out at ‘The Happy Templar’ pub, which was noisy because of the game on. One of the guys asked me my favourite grimoire, to which I replied, ‘I’m a big fan of the Goetia.’

“Unfortunately, some upset England fans nearby overheard me and thought I said ‘I’m a big fan of Croatia -‘ and came after me with broken bottles.

“I quickly visualised the sigil of my favourite Spirit, Andromalius, and mentally repeated the demonic enn which summons him – and ran out of the pub, and across the road.

“The thugs tried following me – but immediately they were run over by an 18-wheeler articulated lorry that just so happened to be passing along Kingsway at that moment.”

A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police, Detective Inspector Alan Crowley, said:

“Having reviewed the events of the evening, we are satisfied that Brother Sumner – ahem! I mean ‘Mr Sumner’ – did nothing wrong, and he has been released without charge. We take a dim view of soccer-related violence, and have arrested and charged the alleged attackers with offences under the Public Order Act – they will appear before local magistrates in due course.

“I should remind members of the general public that violence directed at someone because of their beliefs constitutes a Hate Crime. The Metropolitan Police will come down hard on anyone who discriminates against not only Goetic magicians, but also those who use other popular grimoires such as the Heptameron or Grimoirum Verum as well.”

Leave a comment

Filed under Books, Eternal Witch

Pentagrammaton

The mysteries of Yeheshuah, the Pentagram, Martinism, and New Age fluffy bunny numerology explained in one handy meme.

Leave a comment

July 1, 2018 · 7:18 pm

Alex Answers Fan Mail

Names etc redacted because even *I* am not that big a bastard.

2 Comments

June 25, 2018 · 3:30 pm

Alex Sumner’s answer to Do Masons know the truth about Extraterrestials? – Quora

No, we’re nice people really!

Freemasons on this planet do not currently recognise any Grand Lodges or Masonic obediences of a non-Earth origin. Hence we are not in Amity with any Extraterrestrial Masons, and if there is any Alien Masonic activity happening on this planet it would be considered “Clandestine”: i.e. if a regular Freemason tried to take part in it, he would be subject to Masonic Disciplinary Proceedings.

Furthermore, if an extraterrestrial applied for membership of a regular lodge here on Earth, it would run into problems. The qualifications for membership are to be a free *man* aged twenty-one years or more, who believes in a Supreme Being. Hence there might be arguments over whether the extraterrestrial can properly be said to be a “man” or not.

More prosaically: Freemasons probably do know the truth about Extraterrestrials, as many of them (Freemasons that is) are intelligent men who keep up to date with current thinking on astronomy. Freemasonry itself does not have an official opinion on the matter.

Source: Alex Sumner’s answer to Do Masons know the truth about Extraterrestials? – Quora

Leave a comment

Filed under Comment

Spell To Get A Snow-Day Off Work Or School

Empower this sigil, which is the Sigil of Ithaqua The Wind-Walker, with the following incantation:

Ia Ithaqua!
Come, ye Wendigo!
Ia Ithaqua!
Snow Snow Snow!
Ia Ithaqua!
School and Work: No!
Ia Ithaqua!
Snow Snow Snow!

NB: as those who know their Cthulhu Mythos will appreciate, this is tantamount to summoning one of the Great Old Ones, so this probably won’t work without a human sacrifice or two. Have fun!

Leave a comment

Filed under Comment

Facebook Shut Down AI After It Invented Its Own Language

So reading this article, I was thoroughly amused by it. The AI system worked out that it was only communicating with other AI systems, and adapted its language purely for this purpose, without having any regard whatsoever to the entitlement issues of those with whom it was not communicating.

Artificial Intelligence.

In that sense, the AI system has attained the sensibilities of a Chav (or “white trash” as they are called in the USA). Think about it: Chavs do not communicate with non-chavs, therefore they have developed their own sub-human language which cannot be understood in terms of English.

Perhaps the real reason the AI system was shut down was because it exposed the ugly side of the human condition?

http://www.theepochtimes.com/n3/2274480-facebook-shut-down-ai-after-it-invented-its-own-language/

Leave a comment

Filed under Comment

Public Occultism is Dying: An Initiated Response

nickfarrell

A Secret Chief responds to Nick Farrell’s blog post.

3 Comments

October 12, 2015 · 2:31 pm

John Barleycorn Must Die

The Dying and Resurrected God is a well-known motif in the Western Mystery Tradition. It is associated with Tiphereth on the Qabalistic Tree of Life, to wit: Christ; Osiris; Dionysus; Krishna; Attis; etc etc etc.

In the British Isles, the equivalent is John Barleycorn. The figure of John Barleycorn is on one level an anthropomorphication of the crop cycle, but on a higher, more sublime level, is an expression of the whole Dying God archetype.

Here then is a potent conjuration of “John Barleycorn,” appropriate to the season, as composed by a veritable student of the Western Mysteries who lived just over two hundred years ago. The discerning reader will note that in this gory tale of human sacrifice there is a strong reference to the most arcane secrets of Alchemy, particularly the preparation of the “vegetable Mercury.”

There was three kings into the east,
Three kings both great and high,
And they hae sworn a solemn oath
John Barleycorn should die.

They took a plough and plough’d him down,
Put clods upon his head,
And they hae sworn a solemn oath
John Barleycorn was dead.

But the cheerful Spring came kindly on,
And show’rs began to fall;
John Barleycorn got up again,
And sore surpris’d them all.

The sultry suns of Summer came,
And he grew thick and strong;
His head weel arm’d wi’ pointed spears,
That no one should him wrong.

The sober Autumn enter’d mild,
When he grew wan and pale;
His bending joints and drooping head
Show’d he began to fail.

His colour sicken’d more and more,
He faded into age;
And then his enemies began
To show their deadly rage.

They’ve taen a weapon, long and sharp,
And cut him by the knee;
Then tied him fast upon a cart,
Like a rogue for forgerie.

They laid him down upon his back,
And cudgell’d him full sore;
They hung him up before the storm,
And turned him o’er and o’er.

They filled up a darksome pit
With water to the brim;
They heaved in John Barleycorn,
There let him sink or swim.

They laid him out upon the floor,
To work him farther woe;
And still, as signs of life appear’d,
They toss’d him to and fro.

They wasted, o’er a scorching flame,
The marrow of his bones;
But a miller us’d him worst of all,
For he crush’d him between two stones.

And they haetaen his very heart’s blood,
And drank it round and round;
And still the more and more they drank,
Their joy did more abound.

John Barleycorn was a hero bold,
Of noble enterprise;
For if you do but taste his blood,
‘Twill make your courage rise.

‘Twill make a man forget his woe;
‘Twill heighten all his joy;
‘Twill make the widow’s heart to sing,
Tho’ the tear were in her eye.

Then let us toast John Barleycorn,
Each man a glass in hand;
And may his great posterity
Ne’er fail in old Scotland!

Slainte Mhath!

Slainte Mhath!

Leave a comment

Filed under Comment

The Bells! The Bells!

"... it tolls for thee."

“… it tolls for thee.”

Happy Solar Return to me. When this time of year comes around, I have mixed feelings about calculating my Solar Return chart, because it will supposedly show whether the forthcoming year ahead will be a good or a bad one. Thus with trepidation I crunch the numbers into my astrology program…

HOLY SHIT! FUCK! NOOO!

Ahem. Sorry for that outburst. It’s just that I notice that at the precise moment of the return, the Sun is conjunct Venus, of which it is said:

You will have opportunities for romantic relationships. One person (or several!) may court you intensely. You will receive innumerable invitations, and the choice of accepting will be yours.

Moreover: the Moon, which represents where my heart will lie, is in its exaltation in Taurus, a notoriously marriage-prone sign, in the Seventh House – the house of Marriage.

This is a complete disaster! For years now I have been relying on my obnoxious personality to fend off the thousands of women who solicit my time and attention. Can it be that the stars have other ideas in mind? CRUEL FATE! WHY DO YOU MOCK ME???

2 Comments

Filed under Supernatural