Tag Archives: humour

How Not To Promote Your New Book On Amazon

News today about a young lady jailed for eleven years at Carlisle Crown Court – the lurid headline in the otherwise sober Daily Telegraph neatly summarises the facts of the case:

Mother, 19, stabbed boyfriend during sex after telling him men should only be used for ‘human sacrifice’

Mm-mmm! Personally, if some woman told me that men are only good for human sacrifice, I would find that rather a turn-off! What’s more, it surprises me that, after he told her that his worst nightmare was being stabbed by a barefoot clown whilst duct-taped to a bed, and she dressed up for their romantic tryst as a barefoot clown carrying a large knife and a roll of duct-tape, his suspicions weren’t aroused somewhat. As it is, the boyfriend’s reward was to escape with his life, rather than being nominated for a Darwin Award.

But then… I note that in the article it turns out the victim is a brother Author – and the journalist was able to fit in a mention of his book. Well you know what they say about “No publicity…” eh?

This has got the Sumner Family Brain-Cell thinking.

Published: 26th May 2018
Artwork © 2018, Alex Sumner

I have a new novel forthcoming on May 26th 2018, entitled “Eternal Witch.” It is an occult thriller in which a successful young woman dabbles with recalling her past-life memories, and before you can say “needless to say it all goes horribly wrong,” it does – with violent consequences. It will be available in Paperback and Kindle form from Amazon. Already my dedicated hard-core fans are beseeching me for advance copies!

I should therefore like to declare that my worst nightmare is being chased by a Hollywood film producer armed with a large chequebook wanting to option the rights to my books, whilst being forced to drink Cristal 2004 (i.e. me that is, I’m not talking about forcing the Hollywood exec to drink anything). Anyone interested in participating in promotional activities with me of a non-violent nature – or indeed of ordering an autographed copy of my new book – may get in touch with me via the Contact Alex page on this website.

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Spell To Get A Snow-Day Off Work Or School

Empower this sigil, which is the Sigil of Ithaqua The Wind-Walker, with the following incantation:

Ia Ithaqua!
Come, ye Wendigo!
Ia Ithaqua!
Snow Snow Snow!
Ia Ithaqua!
School and Work: No!
Ia Ithaqua!
Snow Snow Snow!

NB: as those who know their Cthulhu Mythos will appreciate, this is tantamount to summoning one of the Great Old Ones, so this probably won’t work without a human sacrifice or two. Have fun!

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Facebook Shut Down AI After It Invented Its Own Language

So reading this article, I was thoroughly amused by it. The AI system worked out that it was only communicating with other AI systems, and adapted its language purely for this purpose, without having any regard whatsoever to the entitlement issues of those with whom it was not communicating.

Artificial Intelligence.

In that sense, the AI system has attained the sensibilities of a Chav (or “white trash” as they are called in the USA). Think about it: Chavs do not communicate with non-chavs, therefore they have developed their own sub-human language which cannot be understood in terms of English.

Perhaps the real reason the AI system was shut down was because it exposed the ugly side of the human condition?

http://www.theepochtimes.com/n3/2274480-facebook-shut-down-ai-after-it-invented-its-own-language/

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Public Occultism is Dying: An Initiated Response

nickfarrell

A Secret Chief responds to Nick Farrell’s blog post.

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October 12, 2015 · 2:31 pm

John Barleycorn Must Die

The Dying and Resurrected God is a well-known motif in the Western Mystery Tradition. It is associated with Tiphereth on the Qabalistic Tree of Life, to wit: Christ; Osiris; Dionysus; Krishna; Attis; etc etc etc.

In the British Isles, the equivalent is John Barleycorn. The figure of John Barleycorn is on one level an anthropomorphication of the crop cycle, but on a higher, more sublime level, is an expression of the whole Dying God archetype.

Here then is a potent conjuration of “John Barleycorn,” appropriate to the season, as composed by a veritable student of the Western Mysteries who lived just over two hundred years ago. The discerning reader will note that in this gory tale of human sacrifice there is a strong reference to the most arcane secrets of Alchemy, particularly the preparation of the “vegetable Mercury.”

There was three kings into the east,
Three kings both great and high,
And they hae sworn a solemn oath
John Barleycorn should die.

They took a plough and plough’d him down,
Put clods upon his head,
And they hae sworn a solemn oath
John Barleycorn was dead.

But the cheerful Spring came kindly on,
And show’rs began to fall;
John Barleycorn got up again,
And sore surpris’d them all.

The sultry suns of Summer came,
And he grew thick and strong;
His head weel arm’d wi’ pointed spears,
That no one should him wrong.

The sober Autumn enter’d mild,
When he grew wan and pale;
His bending joints and drooping head
Show’d he began to fail.

His colour sicken’d more and more,
He faded into age;
And then his enemies began
To show their deadly rage.

They’ve taen a weapon, long and sharp,
And cut him by the knee;
Then tied him fast upon a cart,
Like a rogue for forgerie.

They laid him down upon his back,
And cudgell’d him full sore;
They hung him up before the storm,
And turned him o’er and o’er.

They filled up a darksome pit
With water to the brim;
They heaved in John Barleycorn,
There let him sink or swim.

They laid him out upon the floor,
To work him farther woe;
And still, as signs of life appear’d,
They toss’d him to and fro.

They wasted, o’er a scorching flame,
The marrow of his bones;
But a miller us’d him worst of all,
For he crush’d him between two stones.

And they haetaen his very heart’s blood,
And drank it round and round;
And still the more and more they drank,
Their joy did more abound.

John Barleycorn was a hero bold,
Of noble enterprise;
For if you do but taste his blood,
‘Twill make your courage rise.

‘Twill make a man forget his woe;
‘Twill heighten all his joy;
‘Twill make the widow’s heart to sing,
Tho’ the tear were in her eye.

Then let us toast John Barleycorn,
Each man a glass in hand;
And may his great posterity
Ne’er fail in old Scotland!

Slainte Mhath!

Slainte Mhath!

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The Bells! The Bells!

"... it tolls for thee."

“… it tolls for thee.”

Happy Solar Return to me. When this time of year comes around, I have mixed feelings about calculating my Solar Return chart, because it will supposedly show whether the forthcoming year ahead will be a good or a bad one. Thus with trepidation I crunch the numbers into my astrology program…

HOLY SHIT! FUCK! NOOO!

Ahem. Sorry for that outburst. It’s just that I notice that at the precise moment of the return, the Sun is conjunct Venus, of which it is said:

You will have opportunities for romantic relationships. One person (or several!) may court you intensely. You will receive innumerable invitations, and the choice of accepting will be yours.

Moreover: the Moon, which represents where my heart will lie, is in its exaltation in Taurus, a notoriously marriage-prone sign, in the Seventh House – the house of Marriage.

This is a complete disaster! For years now I have been relying on my obnoxious personality to fend off the thousands of women who solicit my time and attention. Can it be that the stars have other ideas in mind? CRUEL FATE! WHY DO YOU MOCK ME???

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Is Adrianne Curry being controlled by the Illuminati?… – IlluminatiWatcher

I am currently in the middle of a fairly major magical project which is keeping me busy right now: this explains why I have not been posting so frequently to this blog. I felt, however, in the interests of humanity, that I had to share the following:

Is Adrianne Curry being controlled by the Illuminati?… – IlluminatiWatcher.

Yes, model Adrianne Curry has decided to join Katy Perry amongst the ranks of the world’s most famous secret organisation. The page linked to above cites many convincing reasons why this notorious cosplayer is a member of the Illuminati… except for the most convincing one. Now, however, I, Alex Sumner, world’s greatest expert on the occult and member of several reasonably secret magical, mystical and fraternal organisations (according to my bio in the new Hermetic Tablet) can supply the icing on the cake, as it it were.

Aleister Crowley  and Adrianne Curry

“AC”

AC, get it? Adrianne Curry has the same initials as Aleister Crowley, the notoriously self-described “Great Beast 666.” What’s more, Crowley changed his first name to Aleister because of an Illuminati-secret for achieving greatness, to wit:

I had read in some book or other that the most favourable name for becoming famous was one consisting of a dactyl followed by a spondee, as at the end of a hexameter: like Jeremy Taylor. Aleister Crowley fulfilled these conditions and Aleister is the Gaelic form of Alexander. To adopt it would satisfy my romantic ideals.

Now check this out:

A-LEIS-TER CROW-LEY Dactyl, followed by a spondee
A-DRI-ANNE CUR-RY Dactyl, followed by a spondee

Coincidence? I think not! Proof if any were needed that Curry is not only a member of the Illuminati but she is deliberately using the symbolism of the occultist once dubbed The Wickedest Man In The World. QED. Fnord.

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Who is the Secret Chief of the Golden Dawn?

This is a response to a blog post by Aaron Leitch about the Archangel Raphael being Frater Lux E Tenebris. IMHO the identification of Frater LET with this Archangel is far too simplistic, as it conceals much more than it reveals. The “Archangel Raphael” is itself a pseudonym: however I, Alex Sumner, the World’s greatest expert on the Occult, can now reveal even this august person’s real-name.

“Raphael” itself is a Hebrew word meaning “Healer of God.” Now to the ancient Hebrews, God lived in Heaven, and Heaven was thought to be synonymous with the Sky. Thus “Raphael” might be more accurately translated as “Heavenly Healer,” “Celestial Healer,” or even “Doctor From Outer Space.”

Peter Capaldi as Doctor Who

Secret Chief of the Golden Dawn

Yes, folks, the “Archangel Raphael” aka “Frater LET” is none other than The Doctor. As further evidence I cite the following:

Frater LET appeared to Mathers. A secret chief named Frater LET appeared to David Griffin. Clearly it is the same person, who was able to manage this feat by travelling through time!

Secondly: the Doctor is well-known to be cagey about revealing his true name. This is why he attempted to get the Book of Tobit (the only scriptural reference to “Raphael”) downgraded from the Old Testament to the Apocrypha, in the hope that people wouldn’t pay much attention to him suddenly materialising in the life of young Tobias.

So there you have it! Not only have I revealed the true identity of the Secret Chief of the Golden Dawn, I’ve also spoilt Doctor Who for millions of fans! 😉

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Meet My New Director of Communications!

Marie Onette, new Director of Communications for Alex Sumner

Marie Onette, new Director of Communications for Alex Sumner

Exciting developments over here at Castle Sumner! Please give a warm welcome to my Director of Communications, Miss Marie Onette!

Marie, hard at work

Marie, hard at work

Due to the large amount of fan-mail I get everyday, I’ve been having trouble keeping on top of it – but no more! Thanks to a large bung from an offshore slush-fund somewhere in the Mediterranean, I can now afford to hire a publicist. So Marie will assist me by occasionally contributing material to this blog and answering questions on my relations to the Secret Chiefs of the Golden Dawn, what I think about people who purport to practice Satanism, and the relevancy of the Cthulhu Mythos to contemporary feminist thought.

Stay tuned for more exciting updates!

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Alex does … rom-com?

OK I was just trying to explain to someone on Twitter today why my recent work, A Fairy Story By Any Other Name, is in fact light and fluffy enough to appeal to a Rom Com reader.

This got me thinking, what if I, Alex Sumner, actually tried to write Rom Com for real?

I have been giving this some thought, and already I’ve come up with some putative titles:

  • When Harry Exorcised Sally;
  • Pretty Witch;
  • My Best Friend’s Initiation;
  • Bridget Jones’ Book of Shadows;
  • How To Lose All The Members of your Order in Ten Days;
  • Romancing The Philosophers’ Stone;
  • What Wizards Want;
  • The Sabbat Crashers;
  • The Eternal Sunshine of the Nirvikalpa Samadhi Mind; and my most hopeful idea,
  • Three Weddings, Two Demonic Evocations, One Banishing and A Funeral.

🙂

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