MANCHESTER – Officials at Old Trafford today have named José Mourinho’s replacement as Alex Sumner, following the former’s sudden sacking today.
Alex Sumner is a novelist and writer on the Occult. He published his first novel, The Magus in 2009. His latest novel, Eternal Witch, was published earlier this year.
When asked on his qualifications, Alex said:
“Well, someone said they were desperate to bring a load of red devils under control, so I immediately said, ‘Aha! I’m your man!’
“I don’t intend to use traditional coaching techniques to win matches. Instead, I’ll be evoking my old friend Andromalius to reclaim all the success that has been stolen from United; Orobas to win honours for the team; and Paimon to bind the referees from making unfavourable decisions.
“I admit I haven’t got a clue about football management at Premiership level, or indeed at any level. But on the plus side that at least gives me more chance than the last two cretins they had in the job.”