HOLBORN, LONDON: Football Hooliganism took a supernatural turn last night, when thugs attacked a man they believed was Croatian – only to find out that he was a notorious black magician and sorcerer instead.
Alex Sumner, 45, who is also a novelist and writer on the occult, and has a new book out at the moment, said in a statement:
“I was out at ‘The Happy Templar’ pub, which was noisy because of the game on. One of the guys asked me my favourite grimoire, to which I replied, ‘I’m a big fan of the Goetia.’
“Unfortunately, some upset England fans nearby overheard me and thought I said ‘I’m a big fan of Croatia -‘ and came after me with broken bottles.
“I quickly visualised the sigil of my favourite Spirit, Andromalius, and mentally repeated the demonic enn which summons him – and ran out of the pub, and across the road.
“The thugs tried following me – but immediately they were run over by an 18-wheeler articulated lorry that just so happened to be passing along Kingsway at that moment.”
A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police, Detective Inspector Alan Crowley, said:
“Having reviewed the events of the evening, we are satisfied that Brother Sumner – ahem! I mean ‘Mr Sumner’ – did nothing wrong, and he has been released without charge. We take a dim view of soccer-related violence, and have arrested and charged the alleged attackers with offences under the Public Order Act – they will appear before local magistrates in due course.
“I should remind members of the general public that violence directed at someone because of their beliefs constitutes a Hate Crime. The Metropolitan Police will come down hard on anyone who discriminates against not only Goetic magicians, but also those who use other popular grimoires such as the Heptameron or Grimoirum Verum as well.”