Dear Lady Gaga,
We have not corresponded before but hopefully in the future you will look back upon this moment as the beginning of a long and fruitful professional relationship.
Have you ever imagined the sight of a bill for ghostbusting services which has the letters F O C* printed on it and felt like “Oh my God! Why didn’t I hire this wonderful man before now?” For this is the service which I, Alex Sumner, Prophet of the Age of Capricorn, Ascended Master, and all-round expert on all things Occult can provide! In fact I will start right now by proffering some advice on seeing that you have recently held a Seance whilst on tour in Ireland.
Firstly, the good news. The spirit you refer to as Ryan is unlikely to be the soul of an actual dead person in torment upon this Earthly plane. Generally speaking, the souls of dead people only hang around the material plane up to few days after their physical passing, whilst the remaining ties which bind them here are themselves dissolving. Thereupon they depart for the after-life in the usual manner.
Moreover, mediums do not generally contact dead people even though they purport to do so, because the person’s soul has long since ceased to be in a position to provide useful information. If they are collecting accurate information about a person’s life it is likely that they are reading it off the Akashic Records. NB: don’t expect a spirit to provide more information than it would have known whilst alive, and beware of any supposed spirit which purports to do so. There is a saying in the Occult: “Just because you are dead does not make you more intelligent.” This sounds so obvious but often people who go to consult mediums tend to forget it.
The bad news however is that it may very well be that Ryan is a genuine “thing” of some description. It might be some sort of negative entity or elemental which you have attracted to yourself because of emotional trouble. Like a Bad Romance for example! (Heh, see what I did there?) This is not the end of the world however as there are various ways to get rid of it, e.g. the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram, or in extreme cases some of the techniques which I describe in my blog-posts about Vampires (see here and here). Furthermore, one can reinforce this by actively attracting positive and beneficial influences (see, e.g. here).
There is a remote, and I stress the word remote possibility that it is a real entity sent by someone nasty: however this is unlikely to be the case. The vast majority of people complaining about being psychically attacked by someone else are in fact nothing of the sort – if anything they are just severe cases of people attracting bad influences on themselves, in the manner I describe above. In any event, remedies such as the LBRP etc should be more than enough to protect you.
By now you should be reading these lines and becoming more and more fascinated with the idea of hiring the services which only I can provide. You will be pleased to know that you can contact me further to discuss hiring me. Hope the tour goes well,
4 responses to “An Open Letter to Lady Gaga, on seeing that she has held a Seance.”
On the off chance that this “ryan” is a manifested entity that someone less then pleasant has directed then I am going to lay the blame squarely at the biggest nemesis that her ladyship possesses –
The Westboro Baptist “Church” these crazy cultists have it in their heads that Ms. Gaga is pretty much the anti-Christ incarnate and after their recent efforts to upset the apple cart failed to have the desired effect (here) it is entirely plausible that they would stoop to more esoteric methods to rid the world of the perky popstress.
I always get confused between this and Landover Baptist Church and wonder which one is meant to be the satirical one.
Well it is certainly debatable as to who is the biggest joke
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